Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat, a rumour. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Test of Three?" "That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, to the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed, and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife. ------------------ Difference between Women and Men 1.NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris , Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2.EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris , Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3.MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale. 4.BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 5.ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument. 6.CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 7.FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 8.SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 9.MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 10.DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 11.NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 12.OFFSPRING Ah,children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. AND FINALLY.... A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws." ---------------------- What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. How do you turn a fox into a rottweiller? Marry her. What is the one food that can kill a woman’s sex drive instantly? Wedding cake. What does a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common? They’re both fun to ride until your friends see you. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 45 pounds. Sometimes I wake up grouchy in the morning, but sometimes I let her sleep in. I haven’t spoken to my wife for a whole year, I don’t want to interrupt her. How do you spot a macho woman? She’s rolling her own tampons. A man will dig under his car seat to find loose change. A woman will put a 10% off sale item on a credit card charging 20% interest. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Q: Why are wedding dresses white? A: All household appliances come in white. Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what did you do wrong? A: Made her chain too long. Q: What's the difference between a Mississippi tornado and a Mississippi divorce? A: Not a thing... either way you lose the trailer. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering ----------------------------- Introducing the new, Improved MID-LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic... Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too, muumuus with tummy-support panels are included. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini-van in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. (I WISH!) Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included. -------------------------- New York Women Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Woman from Montana and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Oregon. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the house cleaning, the dishes, AND the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a girl from New York. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.